So mushed up

This is the SECOND Blogster account I've made so far .. bloody annoyance.

Well right now I’m just my normal emotional self; I can’t help but think about how much worse anything can get.

It’s pretty ironic that I’m hippy and all but there are just times where I can’t stop thinking. I like to build up the image that I’m a dirty little f*** that only thinks about sex and food; it’s the only way I can cover up my sorrow.

I can’t wait till this year is over. I want to transfer to Charles Stuart University and just get away from everything; including friends and family. I know it may seem doggish of me but it’s the only thing I can do to get focused on what I want.

I’ve spent too much of my life caring about how other people felt and helping them with their problems. It does help me in a way to forget about my own life but in the end I end up hurting myself even more. I care too much. I have to stop this.

Right now I’m thinking of ways to approach my friends and how they would react to this. It’s just so upsetting that I’m going to hurt them but I can’t keep doing things for people. I’ve finally found what I want and there’s no reason for me not to reach that goal because I know I will regret it.

How can you go up to your best friends and say ‘I want our friendship to end?’ f***, it’s heartbreaking thinking about it. Bloody hell, the things I go through growing up.

There are times where I just feel so lonely regardless of the many thousands of friends I have. I found it so hurtful when Ramo didn’t reply back to me so I can call him. Is it too much to ask? Maybe I’m not good enough to talk to him. Or maybe he just doesn’t want to talk to me. Or maybe something happen to him and he was so upset that he didn’t want to talk to anyone esp. me. Or maybe I’m just not expressing myself enough, as in how much I really appreciate him and all. I don’t know blog, things just get complicated when I get older.

I’m ok with Bebe. He’s just forgetful and we do catch up somehow anyhoo. He’s such a great friend. I know he cares about me a lot but he doesn’t express it. That’s fine because chatting and talking to him shows his commitment for our friendship.

I’m so teary at the moment. I’m usually like this and I hope no one finds out. There are times where I just lie in bed and cry. Stupid? Indeed. Can I help it? No.

It’s just the thought that I’ve never been loved when I was young, like seriously, I was neglected as a child. I grew up raising myself. Mum was never there for me and the only attention I received from dad was brutality. I can’t even remember the last time mum hugged me or when she kissed me goodnight or even told me she loved me when I was young. I don’t even know what it’s like to be loved or cared for because I’ve never received it from anyone at all. Not like she’s bad in anyway. She does try her best but there is always something stopping her; a damn obstacle separating a mother from her daughter. She’s around more often now but that doesn’t fill up my gaps craving for love – they’re too deep. I really appreciate all that she has tried to do for me but it will never be enough – I’m scarred for life.

I hope to god that Ayman and Saaimah never go through this it’s just too painful. I hope to god that NO ONE goes through this in anyway!

That’s why I look to my friends for that attention but I don’t get anything. I do in some ways but not what I’m looking for. I don’t know blog, maybe it’s because I’m not a good enough friend that’s why I’m not getting the required love from them. It’s just *sigh* no matter how hard I try to make things better people take advantage of me and then use me whenever they need me.

One of the many reasons I don’t want to get married. The wounds are permanent and there is nothing I can do to heal them. Even if I did get married it would be because I felt sorry for the person. This has nothing to do with my sexuality because there have been some circumstances where I thought it may be the case; it’s not.

Another reason for my celibacy is because of the molestation. Incest is so common nowadays; it’s disgusting. That father-daughter couple should seriously burn themselves. They’re so f***ed in the head. Eurgh, I don’t even have the words to describe them. Every time I hear about incest I think about my half-brother. The f*** has mentally damaged me. I try my hardest not to envy any great brother-sister relationship that my friends have but I can’t stop it; it’s fixated in my system. I don’t want to think badly of anyone I swear to god I try not to judge but it’s just there. Prejudice has its ways.

That’s a bit of my ACTUAL thoughts. I’m out to try to sleep.

PEACE